


Dogs and Cats and Birds, Oh My!

by sebastian2017



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Eggsy loves animals, Harry and Merlin love spoiling Eggsy, M/M, Puppies, almost crack tbh, kitties, more background than anything, mostly just some cute lighthearted fluff, sooooo many pets, the merhartwin is really lowkey tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-31
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-29 01:27:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5111300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebastian2017/pseuds/sebastian2017
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy's cold and ruthless when he's out on his missions. At home, however, he's just about the biggest softie in the world. Nothing brings out his soft side like strays, however. Which is how Harry and Merlin end up with a practical zoo in their home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dogs and Cats and Birds, Oh My!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure something like this has been done before, but there can't be enough absolutely animal loving Eggsy in the world

The first stray Eggsy had taken in was acceptable. An elderly Irish setter who suffered from chronic joint pain and loved nothing more than curling up next to them on the couch. (And, on occasion, got incredibly jealous of JB sitting on their laps and tried to do the same, despite being a good deal bigger.) They'd named her Eliza and that had been fine. It had been cute, even. All the ones that came afterwards, though...

 

\---

 

Bond's arrival had been overlooked by relief.

The three of them had a very reliable schedule when they were home from work. Harry and Merlin made dinner while Eggsy was on his afternoon jog, Eggsy returned by seven sharp every day, they'd eat together, have a nice cuddle in the living room while reading or watching Netflix or catching up on field reports, and then they'd retreat up to their bedroom. It was a constant in their life. Sometimes Eggsy might have come home a few minutes late or a few minutes early, but a whole half hour after seven? After dinner had been prepared and served? And without even a text of warning? Unheard of for Eggsy.

Merlin and Harry had Kingsman on the line - a rescue mission already planned and ready to be executed - when they'd heard the front door open.

"Forget that order, Mordred. All clear." Harry hung up the phone. He was, admittedly, a little embarrassed at having gone to such lengths over a silly suspicion, but what else had he been meant to think? They were spies and being attacked while out on runs was a very real possibility. He went to go confront Eggsy about it, but paused when he saw the boy hovering by the front door.

Merlin noticed it too. Eggsy looked like a chld who'd been caught with his hand down the cookie jar. "Eggsy. What did you do?" Merlin asked carefully, standing up straighter and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Nothing bad!" Eggsy insists. Any big reveal he'd been planning was ruined by the sudden bark from the porch. Eggsy grinned, stepping out of frame for a moment and going back to the doorway with a wriggly, tiny little stray. The things was no taller than JB but far longer, caked in mud, half starved, and probably infested with fleas and ticks. "I've already named him! It's Bond. Like James Bond, you know?"

When Eggsy asked rather eagerly if he could keep the dog, Merlin and Harry were both just too relieved that he's okay, that they said yes in a heartbeat. It was much better for Eggsy to be late because he'd gotten distracted rescuing a stray dog than be late because he'd gotten assaulted or kidnapped. Besides, they'd reasoned, JB and Eliza could use another playmate and Bond was the perfect dog for that. (And it didn't hurt that Eggsy had only shut up about how overprotective and ridiculous they'd acted when they'd agreed to take in the dog.)

 

\----

 

Three dogs had felt like more than enough for Harry and Merlin. Eggsy, apparently, had not agreed. Bond had only just been in their home for two months and was adjusting marvelously. It was common for JB and Eliza and Bond to be curled up in their dog beds together and Eggsy was never far from them, always taking pictures whenever they looked adorable. Which was always, according to Eggsy. His Instagram was just a wall of dog pictures. Hence, it was no surprise to anyone when Eggsy spent a medical leave doing nothing but watching 1960's musicals and putting up pictures of their dogs. Their three dogs when Harry and Merlin had left to work, but it seemed that had changed at some point in the day.

Harry stormed into Merlin's office, holding the phone up, still open to Eggsy's latest Instagram post. "How many dogs do you see in this picture, Merlin? How many?"

"Harry! I'm working. I've told you time and time again, don't-" Merlin paused as he saw the picture being flaunted in his face. He started to reply, stopped halfway through, and stared at the picture for another moment.

What should have been a picture of their three dogs, was a picture of four instead. JB was laying on Bond's back, Bond in turn was resting his head on Eliza's stomach, and although the picture should have ended there, there's a three-legged corgi mix sitting on Eggsy's lap, just in the corner of the shot. Going from how tiny and underfed the corgi looked, it was likely that Eggsy had found the poor thing while out on a walk. The caption on the picture confirms it. ( _Found this cute little girl out when I was walking the dogs! She'll fit right in (: #newdog #corgi #rescuedogs #doglife_ )

"That's not three dogs." Harry insisted. "There's meant to be three!"

Merlin nodded, counting one more time just to be sure and then leaning back in his chair. He grabbed his mug and had a long drink of his tea. "It certainly isn't. Do you think... do you think they just jump out on him when he's out? Or that he actively looks for them?"

"I've no idea." Harry said, grabbing Merlin's mug out of his hands and having a drink of his own. "We can't keep it. There's... " Harry tried to think of some reason, but none of the usual excuses (time, space, money) are exactly a problem in their household. He sighed in defeat. "We're spoiling him, Merlin."

"That we are." Merlin agreed. "Why don't you text him? Find out what he's named her. We'll need to have a new collar for her made. And make sure he knows: no more dogs."

Harry nodded. Although he highly doubts that Eggsy will stop bringing home dogs, it's worth a try. When they got home, they were introduced to Gwen and they have to admit that she'd wriggled into their hearts almost immediately.

 

\-----

 

They make it an astounding six months without Eggsy bringing home any more pets. He'd rescued plenty of dogs in those six months, but he'd either taken them to trusted shelters or found homes for them among friends. Harry and Merlin had foolishly hoped that maybe, just maybe, Eggsy has sated his urge to start a sanctuary in their home. Their hopes plummet and crash when Eggsy came home one day, carrying something wriggly and wrapped up in his jacket. Harry and Merlin exchanged a look and Harry got ready to remind him that they'd agreed on no more dogs, but Eggsy interrupted them.

"She ain't a dog!" he exclaimed. Perfectly timed to prove his point, a tabby kitten poked her head out of Eggsy's jacket. She was shivering and soaked to the bone and Eggsy cooed down at her and pet her head to calm her frantic meowing. "She got caught out in the thunderstorm an' it looks like she lost her mum. I couldn't jus' leave her there! An' you two said no more dogs. Didn't say nothin' 'bout any other types of animals."

Merlin absolutely loved cats, so there's absolutely no arguing from him. Harry's rather indifferent to them, but either way, he was outnumbered two to one in the decision to keep the cat or not. A few weeks later, when she'd been named (Pussy Galore because Eggsy can't resist naming his pets after fictional characters, though he does agree to compromise and just call her Galore) and had already developed a habit of shredding up Harry's trousers and falling asleep on his keyboard when he's trying to work, Harry had to admit that he's grown to love cats as well.

 

\---

 

Things only get worse when Eggsy realizes that the 'it's not a dog' loophole works. Over the next year and a half, they acquire two more cats, a canary, three guinea pigs, and a tankful of tropical fish. The rest of Kingsman has taken to referring to their house as 'the Unwin Zoo'. It not just silly, it's completely and utterly ridiculous. They have enough pets for the entire neighborhood and an ungodly amount of their budget goes towards keeping the animals fed and happy. But seeing Eggsy light up every time he came home to their zoo? His smile alone makes it worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> How Eggsy managed to find stray fish and birds and guinea pigs is a mystery  
> also it's worth noting that I headcanon that as a kid, Eggsy wanted to be a zookeeper xD
> 
> I can be found over on Tumblr at [dilestrade](http://dilestrade.tumblr.com/) or [sebbyprocrastinatestoomuch](http://sebbyprocrastinatestoomuch.tumblr.com/) for prompts, chatting, questions, and whatnot


End file.
